My trip here in Cambodia is quickly drawing to a close, much faster than anticipated. This always seems the way though with travel and work, and fun. All goes much quicker than expected.
I want to write this entry about a difficult but common event in photography; whether to chase an unknown lead or stick to a game plan. I say difficult because of the impact doing this has when working with a large team, a 3 year old, a delicate topic and subject, and a completely unknown region of exploration. We took a bit of a jaunt off of our norm and conquered a tough task that can make or break a project.
Most photographers have a bit of adventurer in them, so running after a moment or hunting through a scene for the right image is very common and a part of who we are. When someone says 'you should go and take pictures of this amazing-whatever/whomever-we tend to follow through and check things out. As a journalist when you hear of a lead that could potentially improve your story, or help you create an even stronger image, you chase after it like a dog after a squirrel. You envision how amazing it might be, the opportunities it could unfold, what new things might get discovered, how far 'wide open' it could crack your whole project. However, all the while you never ever know or really see what it will be, how it will go, and what the outcome will be. It's all instinct and gut, and not a damn bit of guarantee. Again, with a large crew and responsibilities to them, our sponsors, each other, a kid, the project, and other commitments to others, how do you balance all of this? Sometimes the same way that you get into things like this in the first place; instinct. Oh, and a lot of experience at planning on the fly!
We were interviewing a great individual in Siem Reap and learning about his life as a Khmer Rouge medic. He had an incredibly difficult story to hear involving being taken from his village at a young age, losing his family who all eventually were killed. He no longer has any family, and can't remember what village or province he was from; effectively an orphan. Through hearing his story, he taught us with second hand accounts about the fall of the Khmer Rouge in the late 90's. He had been told a great deal of the details by his former commander who was present when Pol Pot was arrested by a splinter group of the Khmer Rouge. What became the great boon was that this commander was still alive and he is great friends with him. 'Would you like to talk with him?'......hell yes! This was a big break into a gap in our story about what eventually happened to the KR, which could be easily and uniquely filled with first person accounts, instead of third person hear say.
So now the big questions; do we do this and how? Here are the issues as we saw them. He lives in a very remote northern section of Cambodia, near the Thailand border. We can't reach him by phone. How do we get all of us up there; there might be a boat ride with the van, or moto's for miles. It's the rainy season, and we have been told that the roads can be impassable with mud. Being from New Mexico, I know all about driving in caliche mud; fun, but also dangerous. Other issues were no known hotels, motels, or the ever common guest houses. Where to eat? How long will it take? Will he even talk with us when we get there? What about the crew? What about the little guy, Aiden and the nanny? How will anyone know we are there in case of emergency? After asking all these questions you really start to sink into the question of 'is it worth it'? I am not one to try and over run resistance and adversity. If something presents enough resistance, that usually means I am either swimming too hard upstream to somewhere I don't need to be, or I am not thinking clever enough. So I have learned over the years to simply slow down, back up, think more objectively, ask different questions, and listen to my instincts. "Why" in situations like this can be the worst question to ask. It seems like asking 'why is this so hard, why isn't this working, why can't I get it' all create other questions that can't be answered. I ask things like, what haven't I tried yet, what am I not thinking of, what would I never do, what do I normally do, who do I need to ask for help, how can I make this more fun-safer-easier-better? These are all questions that can only be followed by action, and it is that action that breaks resistance. That, and instinct. It really is true that your own body will tell you when to stop and when to push through, even after your mind may swear that it can or can't do something. I trust that instinct a lot. We hit a lot of resistance, I can assure you; our own selves, each other, trying to reach the guy, trying to get feedback from the team, trying to find information on the region. All the things you do to make yourself feel better about a risky choice you haven't quite made yet. As each resistance point presents itself you can feel your confidence slip. So how do you break out of it? Commit to the goal, trust in yourself, your team, your skills and education, and endeavor to make the journey towards that goal fun, honest, safe and exciting. Let it be what it is going to be, and trust in the process towards that goal. The joy of this project is not an end point of acquiring a single persons story and image. It isn't a singular thing. It is an accumulation of several events and moments together as a team through growth, learning, challenging ourselves, facing challenges, having fun, and being present for the ride. How is this whole thing going to turn out? I have no idea, but I know the journey along the way will probably be a wild one, random, and challenging, fun and taxing, and full of laughs. I say bring it on. The more random, the better!
Zelie and I decided to go for it and take a chance. If at any point it appeared like it would be dangerous, or if the team felt uneasy then we would bail and come home. So after a morning pre-pro meeting the team said they felt it was worth the risk and expense of trying. The regret of not trying was more unacceptable than playing it safe. I was very proud of them all for wanting to take a risk, so we did.
We all packed with lightening speed and checked out of the hotel making sure to have rooms reserved in the event that it didn't work out. Tongnuy went to the bus depot and found a man with a very nice van that would take us up the the outer province at a reasonable rate. The gentleman we had interviewed was eager to try and help us find his friend and get his story, so he was completely on board. Did a little 'incase' shopping for some staples in the event of no real food, packed a couple pillows and all the gear, and headed to the north to uncertainty. At the very least, as anyone knows, I am always up for a good road trip with great friends! So we chose to look at it as such, and made it into a fun adventure. An adventure it was.
Here's the trek in photos and commentary:
We left early am in a great big Mercedes van....with AC!
Of course Aiden had some toys to keep him occupied, me with my camera, and a really bad Lou Rawls tape on the stereo. No ipod hook up so don't ask.
It was a beautiful ride full of rice fields of the brightest, newest green, palm trees, lots of cows and water buffalo, wide blue sky and big New Mexico clouds.
All good road trips need some good road food. You know, 7-Eleven chili dogs, road side BBQ, that slightly questionable bar with the best juke box in the state, that one place with the greatest chicken fried steak west of the Mississippi. You know those kind of places. Yeah.......we didn't have any of that shit. We had THIS place! Best rice noodle soup since the Takeo market where I had breakfast. Would you stop at this place for lunch?!
Yeah, the shot with the two bowls.....it was so good I had two! We all did!! Best noodle soup ever!
Found someone else I want to take home, of course.
So let's get some more staples and maybe some fruit or vegetables for the person we are hopefully going to meet.
Yeah.......never mind. I think we'll wait till we get closer to the actual village. Maybe they will be a little better/cleaner since everything in this one seems to take place along the open sewer that I walked over to get into the restaurant where we had lunch.
OH WAIT....WE'RE ALREADY IN THE VILLAGE?! Yup. Got back in the van and drove about 1/4 mile up the dirt road and the van stopped again. Driver turned around and said, 'here's the guys house'. What? We're here? Should we call first...did someone call.....shouldn't we talk this over?! Nope, here we are, so here we go. Sent Aiden off to play with the kids and the nanny, we walked in and introduced ourselves and just plowed ahead.
After a hour or so of interview with our new subject the former Khmer Rouge deputy commander, we had to try and get some shots in before it got too dark and it looked like a big storm was coming in. So we set out to scout a spot quickly.
Yeah, how about the middle of the road? Why? WHY NOT?! Could be cool? What's the worst that could happen? No.....I did not get hit by a car....no one did....are you kidding it's kind of hard to NOT see us! Finally picked a spot and figured out the shot.
Middle of the road, SB800 in the lastolite soft box pumping through my 7' butterfly silk to make a larger looking soft box since I wanted to shoot his full body possibly standing or sitting. Thankfully there was a storm coming in, so that knocked down the ambient light enough that the little strobe as able to over run the general sun light out there so that I could make the sky even darker if I needed. Un-thankfully, there was a storm coming so we had to shoot fast. Oh yeah, and it was get-out-of-work time, and traffic was going to get heavy. You'll see what "traffic" is with the 5am morning shots. We walked him out, sat him in the chair, and went to town.
Now, I know. Why is his face all messed up and blacked out. I'll explain it later. I can tell you that the shoot was great though, and yet again I found myself laying in the middle of a road.....a very dirty road.....a very covered in cow shit road....with large trucks and motos zipping around, and cows....and cow shit. Can't seem to get away from it.
After the shoot we were so exhausted that we had to run and find a guest house and a place to eat, fast, again since it was now getting dark. Found a place, and set out for food. But where? Why across the street at that garage over there. Garage. Over there. Food. WHAT?!
Oh but it's the same guy that made us lunch down the road! Cool. I am sure he can whip something up for us......off an engine block or something, right? Oil pan soup? Crank case chowder? Seat cover spaghetti? You know what, I really didn't care, cause all I really wanted was a beer, and a shower. So after knocking on a couple doors we found a lady that would sell us a couple Ankor beer, and even put it on ice for us and would be ready in 15 minutes. Perfect. Enough time to shower. Shower.......yeah....
Yup...in order from left to right: toilet, reservoir of water to flush the toilet, and the reservoir to take a shower from. Where does the water come from? The water tanks on the side of the building. Where does the water IN the tanks come from? The sky. So shut up and grab that little scoop and wash the cow shit off!
Not the cleanest I have ever been, but clean enough for dinner, which we ate on the floor of the entry of the guest house. Who needs furniture? They did have some cool photographs on the wall to look at though.
I can go on about the food in Cambodia. Honestly, it really is great when taking all things into consideration. However every meat product you eat is simply the limbs of the animal chopped up. That means that every piece of meat is attached to some bone part making for some very tedious eating. It's actually exhausting. But the beer makes it all worth while, I can assure you. I would have taken a picture of it, but I drank it too fast. Zelie and I sat on the bed looking at the images from the day, reveling in the amazing accomplishment that we just achieved. We were pretty exhausted, giddy, proud. I'll say it, I felt righteous. That was the best tasting beer I think I have ever had. Would gladly do it all over again. And so would the crew. Unfortunately we need to work something better for them since the house only had 3 beds, and there were 8 of us, and no one wanted to share a bed. Not sure why, but they all said they would rather sleep on the floor, and no it was not because I smelled like cow dung@! So on the floor they slept. Judging by the size of the bugs that I had INSIDE the mosquito net and the fact that every dog in northern Cambodia was out barking and chasing each other that night, I am sure I could have simply slept on the floor and let one of them have the bed. Or in the van for crying out loud!
Next morning was a 5am wake up call with the local rooster cotillion blazing revelry, and cows mooing, more dogs barking, and the clanging of the morning call to prayer. These people are farmers through and through, no doubt. No sleep that night, but the sunrise as worth it.
And then the early AM commuter traffic into the office. It's not the Pike into Boston or anything, but still.....it's got it's pitfalls.
Then back out to the guys house for a morning shoot in his rice field, then his house for the rest of the interviewing, and possibly more photos.
Ok. Now I'll explain the blacked face. Somewhere deep down I was a bit nervous that this guy was going to bail out and get uncomfortable with us. After all, he was a KR commander until 2008-2009 when he was decommissioned. We are doing a project on the people that survived the regime that killed families and tortured millions. He wasn't some country bumpkin with out a once of intelligence. He was a very smart man, and very aware of what his choices represented and how it might be received by others. The interview session was great as Zelie asked very respectful questions and simply guided him to tell his story and how Pol Pot met his end as the Khmer Rouge began to break apart. It was a great chance to put a connector on so many questions asked by people that would be reading the story; what finally happened to that wretched dictator and his horrible regime. And we had first person accounts of that end. We never chased after him as to whether he had seen his fellow Cambodians killed, or tortured, or starved, or raped, or if he had done it himself. We were professional, and exercised a great deal journalistic integrity in respecting his safety and trust. At least up until when he would sign our release form saying that we were going to publish this story and have an international exhibit where the portrait that we made would be on display 24"x36" with a print out of his testimony interview right next to it, along with a companion DVD that would have his own voice speaking about the regime and his actions. Then, all bets are off! Somehow we managed to talk him into signing the release, and it seemed like he trusted us and what he shared. We promised that we were making prints that day once we returned to Siem Reap, and his colleague would take them to him that night, which we did.
Speaking from personal experience, there are almost set frames of time that you can mark when a person will back out of a deal, or portrait session, or job, or even an event. If you get someone to say yes to be photographed that doesn't mean that it's a done deal. It's never as easy as just picking up the camera and snapping. They back out right after seeing your camera, or after they realize that you are taking more than one image, or when you start making them pose, or when you ask to use/print/publish, or if you ask them to sign a release, and finally when at least 12 hours has passed and they have really thought everything over and re-read the release and settled back into their old thoughts of 'I don't know, this feels unsafe, I don't want to look ugly like I always do in pictures, I don't know this person or what they will do with the photo'. The one I worry about most is always that 12 hour one. Simply because I am no longer there with that person and I can no longer continue to coach them along to understand what will actually happen, that it's all ok, and I can be trusted. That 12 hour mark is like that window of time when the space shuttle is going through re-entry and there is a radio black out till it clears the atmosphere; it's tense and full of doubt, and all that can be done is trust.
Sure enough, 11 hours later we got a call from our translator who informed us that our subject no longer felt safe and wanted to retract his release, and we would not be permitted to use his images or story. Which is where things currently sit. I have had clients back out of contracts, back out of payment promises, subjects back out of what image will be published, subject say yes to be photographed only to show up at their door step and be told no, (Val Kilmer, you twit). In most of these cases I can talk someone back into line and be able to move forward. This time though, I am actually not sure what to do! We have a signed release agreement with exchange of money and images and everything. I am unsure of legal bounds internationally with cases like this which is also tied into a 'soft news story'. So to play it safe and being respectful, (until I learn that I do in fact have full rights) I am only publishing this on the blog and blacking out his images.
No matter outcome of this new point of resistance, this has served as a much more important lesson that needed to be learned for us. We have been faced with some pretty daunting challenges along this crazy journey. It feels great to know that we all had what it took to take that bull by the horns and make it work for us, not against us. We pulled together as a team, no one got hurt, we learned more things in that one trek than I think I have in years personally and professionally as a photographer. I am not sure what will happen over the next week and half before I return home to New Mexico, but I know that I will be leaving with this amazing experience logged in the memory bank.
Next blog will be of the temples in Siem Reap, elephant bonding, and almost adopting a Cambodian kid.....Angelina Jolie can't adopt them all. Happy Saturday!
